the angels wouldn’t help you

i want to talk about laura palmer, i want to talk about child sexual abuse. i want to tell my story, i want to dissect it. for so long i just felt this disruptive volcano in my chest, i wanted someone to listen to me, to understand me. to say im so sorry that happened to you. i never got such a thing.

i was sexually abused by my teacher when i was 11. he started to groom me word by word and it may sound insane to some but i think his words hit me harder then his touch. when you tell an 11 year old girl who just got her period

( in my grandmas house, i pulled down my pants and there was a brown spot i didnt know what it was)

that she should pleasure herself by rubbing her vagina in certain ways and then the pleasure will erupt from within her, she will forever be lost and dirty. when you go into her camp room where she and other 5 girls are sleeping, when she is sleeping deliberately on the top of the bunk bed so you cant reach her. when she is clutching her ebook tightly and squeezing her legs together even more tightly to escape you, and you still reach inside her, you take and you take. she might never recover. she will continue to search for that feeling in strangers. harming herself like you conditioned her to do so.

i find it funny because those nights when you came into the room, it was dark and the forest surrounded us. you came in and said to all of the little girls in their pijamas, you said

“ girls become sluts and they go into the night to have sex. they will be whores”

well you didnt need to be invited did you. you just came and took.

i have this specific flashback that im in the woods, the forest surrounding me i hear my classmates faintly but i dont have a flashlight, im stumbling. i hear voices and branch crack behind me. i faintly remember then you said how fun the nightly forest activity was. wasnt it?

laura palmer talks about the forest, the dark woods where she gets raped and violated. one day she writes in her diary that she went out to the woods and masturbated, calling BOB, to come and take her. she was only 12 when her father began raping her, but in other sources its said she was 5.

i understand her so deeply, i understand why she went out to the woods, why she called BOB to come and get her.

when you are just a little girl and you get hurt so deeply you don’t have anything, you dont have knowledge, you cling to what you know, and shamefully what feels good. im not in any way saying getting sexually abused and tortured feels good for a child. when your first sexual experience is violence, you will always associate it with sex, with pleasure. i see this so much in myself and im just know beginning to not blame myself for it.

again i ask, when you tell a 11 year old girl how to pleasure herself what do you want? what is the point of it? why dont you just take, why do you get off on knowing she will never have a normal life, a normal brain, a normal day? just take it and leave. just let me be.

laura also gets corrective raped by her father. he sees her think about girls and women in a sexual way, and is disgusted by it, shames laura for it and punishes her by raping her. making her feel disgusting and shameful for a once healthy thought she could have had.

i remember how you took us out on a horse ride. your friend, another fat disgusting male had a rainbow coloured umbrella. you two found it so funny and gross, chuckling about the revolting homosexuals.

i am not revolting, laura palmer isn’t revolting. you are you disgusting ruiners you.

i know why BOB was BOB and not Dad. how could a little girls brain process that what is being done to her is being done to her by another human being? by someone who’s supposed to love and protect her? you must believe in a monster, a terrifying creature who haunts you.

to me its the most important and heart piercing when laura says “ and the angels wouldnt help you because they’v all gone away”

no angels came to me, everyone denied me and my pain.

“ oh thats all he did? thats fine” said the therapist in the psych ward. no thats not all he did but i wont tell you now

“ you made that up” said my mother who then chased me around the house screaming his name at me until i collapsed from the exhaustion.

i could go on and on. i love you laura palmer i love you so much, you exist in my heart forever and ever.

my heart is beating faster and faster. its 2am. i don’t know if ill be able to fall asleep and if i do what will i dream.